This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
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the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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