He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
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You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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