i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
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I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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