My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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