I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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