Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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