Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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