I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
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Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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