@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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