I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
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Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize