I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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