Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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