She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
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When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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