I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize