1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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