Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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