I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I need to stop coming to work sober
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I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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