Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
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we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
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I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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