I have demons in me.
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perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
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He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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