What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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