you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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