So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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