I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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