she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize