I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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