I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
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I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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