wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
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You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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