Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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