my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
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My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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