i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize