Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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