I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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