My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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