OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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