dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sorry about my life...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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