Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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