Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
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You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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