she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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