Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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Are my feet made of real feet?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
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Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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