hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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