Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize