I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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