SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
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Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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