If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
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dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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