So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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