good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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