no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
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No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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