I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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