MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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