2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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