So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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